Making the Insanity Inspirational.

  1. my dark night.

    Yesterday I found out that I didn’t get into my dream company. It’s a Japanese company offering Nihongo training and other tech trainings. I wanted to cry but I held back the tears. I thought of all the possible reasons on why I didn’t get that job. However, weeks before, I have already received a job offer from a multinational company, OOCL. The work environment there is nice and the salary ain’t that bad as well. It’s near where I live so it’s very convenient for me to go there and stay late and they don’t have any strict office attire as well. I know I would like it there for the time being as I would be busy with the Imagine cup 2011 as well. I’m also currently working on the P&G entries that we’ll be submitting on the 30th and we’re also aiming to get that SIBOL award for our thesis. 

    I have committed so many sins, and in bible studies I’ve learned that God won’t listen as much to sinners as He would listen to someone who does things in favor of Him. Like a Father who would not respond to the request of a child if the child has done him ill and haven’t apologized yet. I’ve apologized through prayer though. Still I don’t know why.

    This brings me back to my dark night. As far as my life goes, this has got to be the darkest night I’ve encountered in my whole life. It was the time when I was taking up webdeve. There were so many problems. I’ll start with my love life at that time. I thought I was in love at that time with my boy friend who was totally ignoring rather avoiding me at that time. I could never forget the times he also insulted my abilities as a computer science student. He favored those who didn’t know anything in short, his friends who used ready made h4x and didn’t even understand the code behind those. I felt like I was worse than dog poo. I even made a mistake in an automaton problem and he asked if I was really a computer science student. He doesn’t even know shiz, since he was an industrial pharmacy student. I also had an enemy at that time. A whole community was bombarding me with a lot of hate stuff. They accused me of hacking or whatever, oh yeah trolling was the word. I didn’t confront them as I usually would. I didn’t question God why these were happening to me at that time. I just prayed and often read the bible.

    Then onto my academic life, that year was a year of recession. Companies weren’t hiring, in fact they were laying off workers. It was hard to find an OJT. We, my friends and I often got turned down or we weren’t called at all. Finding a place to have our OJT was really a bother. It was tiring and took a lot of our time. You could just imagine my ego sinking to the depths of the Pacific Blue. I would like to say thanks to Nadine for helping me through the cyber life issues. Anyway, another thing with regards to my academic life is the Imagine cup. As I’ve mentioned in my previous entry, Janelle and I entered. I didn’t want to go with her as a team but knowing that she would also enter the competition kinda gave me a boost to join as well. In the end she clung onto my arm and asked me not to leave her or something like that. I’m very weak against those kinds of statements so in the end we just paired up. I had no problems at first other than I wasn’t able to team up with my friends, cj, george and felix. But then what bothered me more was her not dropping the machine project which was optional for us at that time. Dropping the machine project meant that I would have to rely on the Imagine cup project for my grade solely. What entered my mind was this is so unfair, first off, she was already eating up time to be devoted to the imagine cup project to the website that they were making, second, it’s like going into something without any belief that we could make a project out of something we don’t really know about. It really pissed me off. And what pisses me off more is the fact that I was the only one working at that time and I can’t even say what I feel. I just frequently changed status messages hoping it would reach her. I wrote blogs which weren’t published. Just to relieve stress. I was so stressed because failing this project meant failing the course and I got into it having a partner who didn’t even give a damn. To make the story short, I made the requirements for round 1, the proposal as well as the programming not much brainstorming with my partner though. It was often with my mentors whom I did brainstorming with cuz she’s always not around. Talk about the saddest birthday ever, Feb 25, I was cramming the stuff to be submitted debugging, I didn’t eat anything all day, I didn’t sleep all week, It was my 18th birthday and I’m stuck in the lab. I went home to find my mom and my brother but it was great that they were there so at the end of the day, I guess things were okay.

    With regards to our problem we talked it over with doc sison at that time and I was so mad at her at that time. I was really enraged even more when she said she tried to study the code when in fact it was password protected and i never really gave her the password. I dunno how she could do that though. It was like scorning my heart further. And in front of doc sison too. Anyway, aside from that problem, I was also in the middle of a family quarrel? or war? I don’t know what to call it. My sister got married recently at that time and my mom had a fight with her because mom never really liked the guy. My sister never really visited home because she wasn’t allowed to. It also hurt me in going to bible studies, I would be asked how I was or knowing that other people got OJT’s already and I didn’t and I felt like I was such a loser. Of course not all people are open to their failures as much as I so I never knew then who made it and who didn’t.

    I clearly remember at that time when kuya JR, a fellow faci came over to our BS and shared some inspirational stuff. Doc sison was there too. I was sharing my troubles with the OJT and from then on changed my prayer from “Lord sana ganito ganyan” to “Lord may Your will be the one implemented in my life. I know You know best” I decided not to confront the people who were bashing me online because I went to this random verse generator online and it said Matt 18:21-22 saying I should forgive my brother seventy times seven times. So I did. I bore no grudges as I usually would. Time went on and they stopped the bashing and accusations and left me be. As for my boyfriend at that time I decided not to bother with him much. I just paid his hangout a little visit from time to time. It was near rob Manila so I didn’t really have a hard time to find him there. I was depressed of course that I can’t even be close to my own boyfriend. Although I knew at that time that I liked him only because I thought he had potential not really because I loved him or whatever. Making it to round two of the imagine cup really helped a lot. It secured my grade in webdeve, got me some bonus points in opersys, and got invited to the net-centric computing lab. It was a real privilege because well labs weren’t really established at that time. Aside from that, later on we were given a chance to get our OJTs in school in the net-centric lab working on research and the imagine cup project. I didn’t want to take that up but time came that I had to. Also it pissed me off that Janelle had an OJT and I had to work on the imagine cup project alone again. That is until Sir danny, my brilliant mentor introduced to me the skeletal method of doing things, I did my mashup programming while I waited for Janelle’s code to embed the system on facebook. So anyway that really worked, thanks to kenston! cuz I totally passed the responsibility of assisting Janelle to ken cuz Ken already knew what to do anyway. Oh yeah, I felt as if it really was God’s way of doing things to me like giving me no other choice. Sometimes I pray for that as well. :P That he give me no other choice so decision making won’t be a burden for me. A day after I accepted the offer of the OJT in La Salle Neugent called me asking me to have my OJT there in eastwood and I declined. For the first time i was the one who declined a company. I have no regrets in taking my OJT in DLSU. I learned a lot.Also, God still had better plans for me. I also had heartbreaks during the OJT. But one load was discarded. I was the one who broke up with my boyfriend at that time and it felt great. My project was publicly criticized and someone else took the praises that was intended to be for our project. They didn’t even say something about it. It really made me cry in the laboratory but I just hid it from my colleagues. I had so much fun as well in our OJT and besides it was really convenient for me for it was one elev ride away. As I was saying, it was not yet the end of God’s majestic plan for me at that time. Janelle and I succeeded in going to the finals. We made it to the top 6. I made a few enemies, but hey I got to meet the love of my life, I wouldn’t have made it through college if I never relied on God. If I didn’t rely on God, I would’ve broken down after arriving in the Philippines cuz I found out my ex had found a replacement for me. But it was nothing to me at that time because I was already so in love with my counterpart, my love(Oh it was God’s Will alright!). Of course the imagine cup was also an ego booster not just a bridge for me and the love of my life. I felt that all the unjust things the world has done to me was vindicated. Also, my friendship with Janelle got stronger I suppose. And now I’m working with loads of projects with her (imagine cup and P&G). I learned loads from her specially in terms of adjusting to your fellow teammate which would be useful in the industry. I guess this is what you call God taking the wheel. From my ego that sank to the depths of the ocean it had risen to a moderate level i hope. 

    Now, failures, we also failed to get the MOTA as I’ve explained in my previous blog. I failed calculus1 though many don’t believe me. I failed to win the imagine cup(at least the trophy and the prize money but the trip was awesome enough). I failed to become a dean’s lister although at the end of my college life I made it to first honor. I failed to be with someone I love for 7 days. I failed in relationships. I failed in exams, quizzes and exercises. I failed in job interviews and job exams. I’ve failed as a daughter and as a sister many many times although my family has constantly forgiven me. I’ve failed as a Christian, countless of times but in God’s mercy and love He has never forsaken me He never let me go astray. 

    Through these failures, looking back there’s always a reason, and there’s always a lesson or two to be learned. There has to be a reason why I failed to get to my dream company. God probably has better plans for me. It’s not my only ticket to Japan. There are other ways. And perhaps those other ways involve less stress and more fun. God doesn’t want us to suffer. He just gives these things so we could build our character.

    It is through experience in darkness that we see the existence and importance of the light.

    besides, I’m a person longing for excitement. God won’t give Japan to me that easily I suppose. He won’t give me a hurdle I can’t overcome. THEREFORE! with His grace I know I KNOW I can overcome this!. God will make a way right? :)

  2. Yes, we didn’t get nominated for MOTA

    Everyone in our group got disappointed even our thesis adviser. I was so sad. I thought this is the worst! however the nomination didn’t really mean that we were really gonna get an award automatically. The nomination just meant that we get a chance to present our work to a panel of PhD profs. 

    You might be wondering why? Well, I haven’t had the discussion of our thesis here yet. However it’s quite simple if you would look at it. Which is why I understand why they wouldn’t want to nominate our work no matter how much effort we did place on it. Honestly speaking, I knew even at the first stage of our thesis, THSST-1 that we won’t make it to MOTA because of the system’s simplicity. EVEN IF I DIDN’T PURSUE WITH THE IMAGINE CUP 2009 BECAUSE OF THIS THING AND TOTALLY MISSED MY LAST CHANCE OF BEING WITH THE ONE I LOVE THAT JULY 2009.  Okay so I’m not at rage mode, not much, I’m just so broken hearted by the situation. Oh right and I found it devastating that a group with someone who failed compro1 and other technical subjects is getting nominated. judgmental I know. ._.

    As a young innocent gradeschool student, I think I was in third grade when I first thought of this and actually wrote this on paper, and ever since I was asked what technology is, this is what I would answer: “Technology is something to improve man’s way of living”. How did it come to the point that, now that I, together with my colleagues  created a system with the input of the blue ribbon committee to make the government more transparent, to possibly make the people aware, to open their eyes on who to trust with positions and who not to trust, I only care about the award and nothing else? How has the innocent gradeschool student get corrupted with her own conceitedness.

    It was a late realization that I kept on blabbing to others that we should create software that would change the world, as what the Imagine Cup student competition of Microsoft promotes. That’s the competition that brought back the slightest innocence in me sloughing off that greed in me. Or atleast I thought it was. I kept on saying to others that money doesn’t matter and as long as this thesis provides service to our crumbling nation, then it’s okay with me. The problem is, once I got corrupted by worldly matters, it was so hard to go back to the point that I only cared about others. We should not mind the recognition, worldly matters such as fame and fortune, but hope for change, for a better world and for the contribution of our system to our society, and I think that is our main mission as human beings who know how to program. 

     Let us start hoping and most importantly coding for a better tomorrow. Let’s do it for the world, not for ourselves. Let us turn back to the innocence we had when we were merely conceptualizing technology as something that eases the daily burdens of people. This is what it means to share our talents to others. Lastly let us start changing I should start changing too for it begins with you and me. As Mahatma Gandhi had said, Let us be the change we wish to see in this world. 

    On a lighter note, we’ll try to enter our thesis to the DOST Sibol Award let’s go iEfeL let’s go!

  3. brief explanation: why trojan.exe?

    some might ask why the extension is [dot] exe when the code shown is in java shouldn’t it be in [dot] jar? so to answer that, well, it’s a personal thing. let’s just say .exe has another meaning for me y’kno symbolically speaking :) anyway you have jar to exe files going around haha so it’s not really an issue :P rather the real issue is why would i convert jar to exe :P but i’ll discuss that some other time. personally i’m not really for that.

  4. Still Can’t Code

    I’ll be posting CS related stuff here: projects, code snippets, comsci humor, specs and my personal tutorial materials